Chapter 3: Baby Girl's Arrival

I got pregnant a couple months after my wedding. It was planned, and by the time we found out about the news, we were fully aware about it. My 9 months pregnancy was relatively easy as well. No severe morning sickness, no health issues, I even was strong enough to work regularly and drove myself to the office every day.

One early morning about 2 am, I woke up from sleep with a little heartburn sensation in my stomach. I tried to get back to sleep but after a few minutes I was awaken again, with the sensations, still very mildly, pushed and pulled inside my stomach. After about an hour and more, I thought it probably could be my due, so I woke up my husband to be prepared.

About 4:30 am, the heartburn was getting stronger, and I realized it must be the baby. My husband called our doctor and he advised us to go the appointed hospital. He informed that since the heartburn is not really intense as yet (according to his investigation through questions, of course), the baby might be born at noon or after.

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Well, he was wrong. We left the house about 5 am, and on our way to the hospital I felt a super strong, intense, and torturing pain on my stomach. We arrived at the hospital about an hour later and waited for another 30 minutes to get the delivery room ready. By that time, I was very pale already and almost unable to walk due to the pain.

I waited for my delivery just like another moms did (probably). However things were a bit hard since my baby was trying to burst out early. I remembered it wasn't even 8 am in the morning, and our doctor hadn't arrive. The nurse advised to wait just a bit more, just a bit more, but every 1 minute felt like a year. I didn't yell or shout or cry, but I held very tight on the infusion pole attached to the bed and kept telling my husband I can’t hold it anymore.

Luckily our doctor arrived minutes later, and as expected, our daughter was born only about 10 minutes after that.

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Now here is the unpopular part. From the books I read, or the videos I saw, or the photographs I checked on social media, the birth of a new life always followed by images of happy moms (and dads for sure), tears of joy, and sweet words. They look genuinely happy and touch so much that I was sure I would feel the same way as well after seeing my flesh and blood in person for the first time. 

However when the nurses put the little girl on my chest, with her tiny hands on me and eyes still shut, I felt… nothing. 

Its not a pride for me to say it, but that’s the truth. I didn't feel sad, or happy, I didn't cry, but no smile either. I just stared plainly at her, rubbed her head with my palm, with blank thought in my head. 

After while they took her to clean her up and do some things with my husband followed her, and I felt very, very sleepy and tired in my delivery bed.

I thought finally its done. I will recover shortly, check my girl in the baby room, get the rest that I need tonight, and heading home tomorrow.

However, few hours later I found out that my bleeding wasn't stop. The blood was flowing until my bed was wet and started dripping to the floor. My husband, in confusion, called the nurse to check what happened. Somehow according to them, there were blood clots stuck in my birth path, and they need to take it out manually, immediately, to prevent further bleeding.

I had no idea about the urgency of the actions. But what I recalled is I was not ready to have another such treatment after an exhaustion delivery just hours before. And as expected, it was torturing and really uncomfortable. Felt tired, in pain, and weak, suddenly I was really upset of the situation and started to cry. 

The cry wasn't last long tough. It’s probably more like tears of frustration. I felt better just shortly after. And thought now I must be “okay”, things will be “okay”.

I laid in my bed again and the next moments had some chats with the visitors. My little brother came, and, felt comfortable already, I asked him to help me sit since I needed to go to the rest room. Had the first few steps to the room alright, suddenly I felt very dizzy and my view became white. I sat on the toilet bowl while asking him to call for another help. I didn’t even have the strength to crawl back to my bed.

Another nurse came, and with the help of my brother and my husband, carried me back to my bed. She said probably I lost quite amount of blood and advised me to just lay down until the next few hours. They did a blood test to check my condition as well. Thank God the result was not critical, so later in the evening, I was moved to regular room to take a rest.

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The next 2 days were pretty normal. I finally able to checked my girl in the evening, my relatives came to visit, and I got an adequate rest with decent hospital menu. My girl was very quiet. She was sleeping all the time. Even though I tried to breastfed her, she seemed too lazy to have one, so just took some sips and went back to sleep again.

But there’s one issue, the area of my delivery stitch was swollen and became disturbing on the those next 2 days. It was sore and I was unable to sit properly. I couldn't even went to the rest room in peace. The doctor came to check and said it would be healed in 2 weeks. I didn’t think it would be an issue so I didn’t bother too much about it.

So on Friday, 2 days after my girl was born, we finally packed up and ready to went home. My girl was wearing a pajama with bananas print, and I covered her with blanket before entering our car. I held her all the way to our home, staring at the street, still with plain view and blank thought. No sadness, no happiness, nothing was going on in my head.

  

Chapter 2: Hello Again!

Hello, apologize it took so long for me to resume my postpartum stories since many things happened in the last 2 years.

I am a mother of one. My beautiful daughter is 2,5 year-old by the time I share this story. I am moved to share my postpartum journey since I experienced that during the hard times after having a baby, I had no clue on what’s going on with me (so did my family), thus I didn’t immediately reach out for the help that I need. I am sure, a lot of other moms out there experience it probably even more intense than I did, and I hope my story will assure that you are not alone.

I developed postpartum depression, anxiety, and severe insomnia shortly after my daughter was born. Although I insisted at the beginning that I don't feel depressed at all, two psychiatrists confirmed otherwise and after I looked back at those days right now, I realize I wasn't who I am today, so there must be something wrong went on back then.

Please apologize for my limited English. I tried my best to ensure this story reach a lot of moms, and I hope you would understand what I mean even tough I may slip on the writing structure sometimes.

Thank you for having this journey with me!

Chapter 1: Intro: Ketidaktahuan tentang Insomnia Setelah Melahirkan

Sejak dini merupakan hal yang lumrah bagi saya untuk mendengar tentang siklus hidup manusia. Secara umum, seorang bayi setelah lahir, akan melewati masa kanak-kanak, menjadi remaja, beranjak dewasa, menikah, dan akhirnya memiliki seorang bayi lagi. Pada masa inilah, seorang wanita akan disebut "Ibu".

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Pada saat saya menikah, banyak orang mendoakan agar saya segera dikaruniai anak. Banyak juga yang menceritakan pada saya indahnya pengalaman menjadi seorang Ibu baru dengan bayi yang lucu. Apalagi di era seperti sekarang, dimana banyak foto yang berseliweran di medsos menampakkan kebahagiaan pasangan yang berpose dengan si bayi, menggunakan berbagai hashtag yang menggambarkan betapa sempurnanya hidup mereka dengan hadirnya si kecil, seperti #myeverything #mylovelybaby, #familygoals, dan seterusnya.....😊

Nah, semua hal yang disampaikan banyak orang seperti curhat saya diatas memang ada benarnya. Menjadi Ibu, melihat, memeluk, dan menggendong bayi yang lucu👶, memang memberikan kebahagiaan tersendiri pada batin saya. Namun, ada hal yang terlupakan oleh saya ketika menjalani kehamilan dan menantikan kelahiran anak pertama saya, bahwa dibalik kebahagiaan yang besar, akan dibutuhkan pengorbanan dan cobaan sebelum kita akhirnya menikmati kebahagiaan itu sendiri. Paling tidak, inilah yang saya rasakan ketika pertama kali menyandang gelar seorang Ibu, dan tidak ada seorangpun yang mewanti-wanti saya mengenai hal ini: Insomnia setelah Melahirkan, atau yang banyak disebut sebagai Postpartum Insomnia dalam beberapa blog berbahasa inggris yang saya telusuri.

Insomnia, atau sulit tidur yang saya bahas disini sama sekali berbeda dengan kurang tidur yang biasa dialami oleh orang tua baru. Saya banyak mendengar bahwa orang tua baru sering terbangun di malam hari karena bayi minta menyusu, minta diganti popok, minta digendong, dan sebagainya. Mereka kelelahan, mengantuk, dan ingin sekali tidur, namun tidak punya waktu untuk cukup istirahat karena kerap kali terbangun untuk menjaga bayi mereka. Sedangkan sulit tidur yang saya maksud, adalah ketidakmampuan untuk memulai atau mempertahankan tidur, meskipun si Ibu tidak sedang menjaga atau bersama si bayi.

Menurut pengalaman pribadi, ketika mendengar kata Insomnia, orang di sekitar saya mengasosiasikan hal tersebut sebagai hal yang biasa, lumrah, dan akan hilang sendiri tanpa perlu perhatian khusus. "Coba dengarkan musik yang tenang, nanti pasti bisa tertidur," atau "Jalan-jalan ke mall-lah, refreshing, nanti kalau capek kan pasti ngantuk," adalah contoh nasehat yang berkali-kali saya terima ketika menceritakan kondisi saya pada keluarga dan teman-teman dekat, termasuk orang tua saya. Pada mulanya tidak ada seorangpun, bahkan diri saya sendiri, yang paham dengan kondisi yang saya alami.

Di tengah kebingungan tersebut, saya berusaha untuk mencari tahu lewat jejaring internet dan menemukan banyak artikel, forum diskusi, dan forum tanya jawab lokal yang membahas tentang kesulitan tidur setelah melahirkan. Namun, setelah mendalami bacaan-bacaan tersebut dengan seksama dan membandingkan dengan keadaan saya, saya menyadari bahwa apa yang saya alami bukanlah kesulitan tidur pada umumnya yang dapat diatasi dengan mematikan lampu kamar, ponsel, televisi, minum susu, maupun mandi air hangat. Saya tidak bisa tidur baik di waktu siang maupun malam, dan baik ketika bersama anak saya ataupun tidak. Meskipun sangat lelah, dan berbaring di tempat tidur berjam-jam, saya tidak bisa jatuh tertidur, dan apabilapun akhirnya tertidur, saya akan bangun kembali dalam 5-10 menit saja. Pengalaman ini sungguh mencekam dan terjadi beberapa waktu setelah melahirkan, sebelum akhirnya saya menemukan artikel, blog, dan forum berbahasa inggris dimana para ibu baru dengan keadaan serupa saling membagikan pengalaman mereka.

Ya, ternyata yang saya alami mereka sebut sebagai Postpartum Insomnia, yaitu kesulitan tidur setelah melahirkan, yang bertumpang tindih dengan Postpartum Anxiety atau Gangguan Kecemasan setelah Melahirkan, dan merupakan pemicu awal dari Postpartum Depression atau Depresi Setelah Melahirkan.

Saya tidak menyadari bahwa kesulitan tidur yang saya alami merupakan pemicu awal dari depresi setelah melahirkan, karena pada awalnya saya tidak merasakan gejala signifikan yang biasanya tampak pada Ibu yang mengalami Postpartum Depression (PPD), seperti: rasa marah atau sedih yang berlebihan, rasa marah kepada si bayi, takut menyakiti si bayi, merasa gagal menjadi seorang Ibu, dan sebagainya. Setidaknya ciri-ciri PPD diatas banyak saya temui pada saat mencari tahu tentang kondisi saya, dan pernah diceritakan oleh beberapa teman yang mengetahui rekan mereka dengan kondisi tersebut, sehingga saya yakin bahwa saya tidak mengalami PPD.

Saya tergerak untuk berbagi pengalaman setelah mengalami sendiri sulitnya menemukan artikel yang membahas tentang insomnia setelah melahirkan seperti kondisi saya. Menyadari bahwa saya tidak sendiri dalam menghadapi keadaan ini, cukup memberikan penghiburan dan harapan untuk pulih seperti diri saya seperti sebelumnya. Demikian saya juga berharap agar para new moms yang mungkin mengalami hal serupa, bisa mengetahui bahwa mereka tidak sendirian dan bahwa kondisi ini merupakan suatu episode yang dapat dilalui dengan penanganan yang tepat.

Saya telah sedikit demi sedikit menuliskan narasi kisah yang saya alami dalam Bahasa Inggris. Mohon maaf bila masih banyak kekurangan dalam penulisannya (karena buka pro juga) dan apabila moms ingin berbagi, silahkan share cerita moms juga disini ya.